Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Truth Be Told ...

There is a lot for which to be thankful.

Like recently, I learned that the average person's total skin covering would weigh about 6 pounds if collected in one mass. This bit of trivia made me thankful for how easy it is to share information, to learn something new every day. It also reminds me of how much I love my own skin. I've got great skin. It's incredibly soft. Like a six pound stick of butter.

I'm thankful that Cutie Pie the hamster kicked the proverbial bucket, 'cause I was getting REAL tired of taking care of that thing.

I'd like to personally thank whoever invented the nail clipper. Hangnails drive me insane. The faster I can eliminate them, the better. I keep a clipper in my purse, one in my car, one in every coat pocket, and several in drawers around my house. Cause you never know with hangnails. They are sneaky SOBs. Nail-Clipper-Inventor, you rock!

I'm thoroughly grateful for The Academy. I'm not sure who they are or what they do, but it seems like they always get thanked. And that must mean something.

I'm thankful for sex toys. Enough said there. I know you all have images in your head right now. Those will suffice. If not, youjizz is a click away.

In that vein, thank you to my yoga instructor for his slammin' body. Damn, he looks good. And gives good yoga. When I am sitting in my forward bend and he lays that hard chest on my back and gently leans into me to deepen the stretch, while whispering in my ear "breathe" ... wow.
I have a feeling he's gay, though.

Burnt toast. I'm thankful for one of the very few mistakes that you can legitimately blame on someone else. Why on earth would a toaster have a setting that is way too high for the product which it is supposed to warm to a golden brown? Whoever engineered that feature fucked up. And we pay for it. Go figure.

Heat. Anything heated or hot. Heated car seats, heated floors, saunas, hot tubs, the oven, the sun, jalapenos, hot toddies, hot water bottles, skin on skin under flannel sheets and a down comforter, fire. Anything that makes me sweat. Bring it on. Thermostat on 73 in the winter and minimal A/C in the summer. I am forever grateful for whatever warms my bones. Cold? It's ho-hum at best. Unless it's a cold beer on a hot day.

My allergy to cats and dogs. It's a great excuse for when my kids plead with me to get one. And to use as an out when I'm invited to house parties that I know will be a drag. Oh, I'd love to come! But wait, do you have any pets? (Odds are on my side.)

I'm most thankful for my husband, who loves me despite all of the above.

Happy Turkey Day!

Sunday, November 20, 2011

PMS or SMP (something more personal)

My nerves are frazzled. I want complete silence. No sound of running faucets, no clicking of forks against porcelain plates, no muffled voices two decibels too loud. No lights left on, no unattended blue stove top flames, no one walking in on me while I shower behind clear glass doors. No trails of bread crumbs or dried spaghetti strands stuck to stainless steel. Shut the door behind you. It was shut before you opened it. And stop shushing me. Trust me, no one will hear.