I have a friend that I'll call Steve. A divorced 40-something editor who tells me stories of his latest hobby, dating women he's met through online dating sites. Since this new realm of reality is something so foreign and fascinating to me, I sort of live vicariously through hearing his tales. How he strives to create the perfect profile, switching it up every now and then. Getting constant alerts, winks and messages from potential spit swappers. Can you imagine the ego boost from all that constant affirmation? He admits it's addicting. It's no wonder every time I'm in his company he does little more than check his phone and text. He says he averages about 4 dates a week. And although there hasn't been a love connection so far, I know he's one happy puppy. With a shitload of chew toys.
A funny yet annoying component, he reports, is how all women write basically the same thing in their profiles. Universally, it seems, women love four things. (Well, aside from their AMAZING kids.) TRAVELING, THEIR PETS, THE BEACH AND LOCAL SPORTS TEAMS. Come on, I countered. Could it be? He dared me to log on anonymously and check out the profiles. Which I did. And yes, he was absolutely right! It's as if a united female front is on a mission to send a strong message. Hey, Mr. Right! Sweep me away on a flight to sunny Florida in March, Fido in tow, to watch my boys of summer in spring training. The reality date is more like sitting in Yancy's Bar, where it always smells like a litter box, sipping a lousy margarita and eating hot wings next to a guy in a Flyers jersey.
Then there's the "what women write versus what men hear." Steve claims you can easily read between the lines of "describe yourself" and identify important potential personality pitfalls. Such as ...
"Honesty is important to me ..." = "My ex cheated on me."
(And by the way, honesty is important? Isn't that like saying oxygen is important? Or do some people dig dishonesty? Yea, lie to me as much as possible. It's confusingly cool.) **
"Read my entire profile before you contact me! I'll do the same for you!!! I am a big personality!!! My friends say I have lots of energy and a zest for life....blah blah blah" = Extremely high maintenance. And maybe even more frightening, she uses multiple exclamation points. A definite red flag.
"I'm laid back and easy going..." = Extremely low maintenance. Caution. The redundancy tips her into the "boring as hell" category.
"I love to travel as much as possible." = "I'm going to cost you a LOT of money."
"I want an outgoing, happy, secure man who wants to be my best friend." = Good luck with that.
(Fifty bucks says she loves unicorns.)
"Looking for a hard working man ..." = her last boyfriend was a deadbeat.
"I want to take it slow." = No sex. Ever.
"I prefer red wine to white, dogs to cats, spring to summer and sunrises to sunsets." = Kill me now.
(That was Steve's reaction to what I thought was a sweet attempt at being creative. Although he also said that her pic was hot, so he would contact her. Huh? Go figure. It must be a guy thing that I obviously don't get.)
"I'm an attractive ..." = disregard her picture. It's not recent and she's not that attractive anymore. His theory is that if you were really that attractive, you wouldn't have to say it.
Steve told me he wishes women would stop writing like they were talking to their girlfriend and instead, write as if they were talking to a guy. I wondered how the landscape might change if that were the case. Would a guy hearing things straight from the hip be in any way intimidated? Create a sour stomach before the tasting begins? Are those playing the mating game better off using sound bites rather than reality bites? I can't help but wonder how many hits something like this would get:
"A bad kisser is a deal breaker. Looking for a guy with a gorgeous set of lips who knows how to use them. In the sack, you don't have to be a nice guy, but I'd prefer you finish last. I too love the beach and want you there with me, essentially to carry the umbrella, cooler and chairs. And to apply sunscreen on my back. Lots of loving attention makes me happy. So does being by myself sometimes. I'm confusing as hell. I'm sure you are, too. So we cancel each other out. Call me crazy, but the guy who picks up after himself is way hotter than the guy who picks up the check. And probably better in bed. I want someone who doesn't pick his nose in public. Who picks me above all others. And what you give is what I give back. Give it to me, baby. I'm Rick James, bitch."
Click here for Rick James, bitch!
The old school funk was a bit of a digression, but it brought me back to a time when meeting someone was not like ordering from a menu. It meant maybe the club scene, or at a bar at last call slow dancing with a stranger, exchanging phone numbers on a cocktail napkin or a pack of matches, or simply being somewhere noticing someone noticing you.
As for Steve and his chances for meeting his Miss Match soulmate, no one knows for sure. Even with technology bringing so many options to the table, the dating game itself hasn't really changed. I say, fuck it. Have fun with it. If you're going to play, be all in. You have the cards that you were dealt. Now let them fall where they may.
** I stole these lines from a brilliant comedic writer I know. It's the funniest part of this whole post, in my opinion. I'm sorry, couldn't help it. I hope you don't mind. :)
