Cards

 I just gave my father-in-law two more percocets, two stool softeners, one dilaudid and a substantial serving of New England clam chowder, being careful not to inhale the steam billowing from the bowl. He insists on walking from bed to bathroom even though his mind is clouded and his legs are stiffened. The results of his bone scans were dismal. There are lesions in his skull, hips, arms and legs. He sees an oncologist on Wednesday. Until then, or until some sort of treatment is started, we just keep track of when he needs more narcotics. The pain comes on quickly and is intense but if meds are administered systematically, can be kept at bay. This sounds so clinical. I feel clinical. Can that be a feeling? I just made it one. Emotions rise like a tsunami and level those around me and I remain stoic. It is seen as lacking compassion perhaps, but that is not true. I am not numb. Far from it. My mind's voice screams, my body buzzes with nervous electricity causing me to pace and think and pace well beyond the eyes of others. This is how I cope. I find solace speaking with my mom. I don't burden her with everything although I know she'd not judge because I understand a mother's love. She knows struggle. Underneath the good-natured sweetness lies a strong woman. She has been through this, and more. She says, "you just gotta deal with what life throws at you. You just handle it." These are not very specific instructions, but I can figure it out. For now, I deal.

Can it be?

My little one turned 15 a few days ago. 15. Like most moms, it makes me cry. But not because I am sad about her growing older. I cry because she makes me so proud. She is smart. Funny. Opinionated. Talented. Compassionate. Quirky. Dances to the beat of her own drum. Makes me laugh and makes me think and makes me question. She has this habit of looking at me and raising her eyebrows with a smirk on her face ... that look ... I know that look and it knows me. That look. I wish I could explain what it means to me. How it feels. Familiar. There are no words.

She's a big Bowie fan. She got a kick out of this when she first saw it. "Ha! He looks so proper!"

Peace.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DiXjbI3kRus&list=RDDiXjbI3kRus#t=0

I'm here.

I noticed the sun today for the first time in a long, long while. It broke through the clouds as I was drinking a margarita in a place called Sweet Taco. They sell Mexican food and donuts. I went there because it was Friday, and because I craved the taste of tequila and salt. Most others around me were checking their phones or listening to NFL commentators use incorrect grammar from big screens over the bar. I overheard a woman telling her caller, I can't talk, and it reminded me of a promise. The server smiled as he offered me a free dessert, a chocolate glazed with peanut butter filling, caramel drizzle and a thin pretzel jutting out from the top. He proudly proclaimed it was his best seller. Later, he asked if everything was ok, and I lied and said yes. He looked skeptical. I hadn't touched my plate. I wanted so badly to tell him that his gift means everything, but what would it matter? My life is a shit storm that not even a donut with antlers could help. I miss everything.

I came home to an empty house and this ...

Nonno. I can't help but laugh. In the grand scheme of things, it is fucking hilarious! I would gladly take a constant bombardment of his chaos in exchange for an end to his physical suffering, though.
It is not just his eye anymore. He has cancer.

I blog because it makes me feel good. It is where I feel closer to fine, as the song says. "Here" makes me happy. Until next time ...

"And it looks like the old man's getting on …"

The kitchen is cold and smells of coffee, a result of Nonno's jet lag that had him awake hours ago. In the sink, there is a plastic Visine cap, a strand of dental floss and a thick, corpse-gray nail clipping. An oily, black banana peel sits confused atop a pile of plastic in the recycling bin. This absurdity makes me laugh. It's become a good friend. He's become a good friend. Last night, we sat at the kitchen table and he talked in the dark because brightness hurts his eyes and rattles my nerves. I lit a candle for the shadows it casts and for the feeling of earth. Sipping red wine from a juice glass, I listened intensely as he told tales of deception and loss, regret and jubilation. He shared them like a warm, soft blanket meant for only two. I wrapped it around me and promised myself not to let go.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4PekdeINQco