One of my favorite quotes. Coming from a man who never waxes poetic, this is huge. It sprung from a discussion about fidelity. Well, not really a discussion, more along the lines of pillow talk. When you have been married for over 20 years and have two small children, pillow talk and morning coffee chat take the place of discussions for a stretch. But I digress.
He explained there were two main reasons why he would never cheat on me. One is that he could never live with the guilt, and two was "a hole is a hole is a hole."
Do these seem contradictory to you? Isn't it either one, or the other? How can it be both? In other words, the guilt is the byproduct of the cheating, so it is not the physical act that deters you, but the consequences of it. That I get, since in my world to be so attracted to another that I would have sex with him would involve attraction on many levels, not just physical. Caving to my desire would mean to me that I have a serious problem with strength of my marriage commitment and would leave me tormented with guilt. My husband (and I) both realize that it would end the marriage, end of story.
On the other hand, he implies that one snatch is the same as the next pussy is the same as the neighbor's so why bother? I don't agree that you cannot make any distinction between ... pussies. Does pussy have a plural form? I don't feel like researching that, in fear of an onslaught of viagra spam that would undoubtedly follow. How can one hole be just like the other and the next? The hole is part of a whole. Maybe it is a guy thing. Do some men see random sex as strictly a physical connection of body parts moving in such a way to the anticipated finish? I guess that may explain the weathered joke of how alcohol makes women better looking as the night progresses. And not to exclude women in this, do some women just want a dick for the night? There are sex toys for that, and inflatable dolls for the men, not to mention livestock if you live in certain areas.
So back to the "hole is a hole" thing. Does he means that because random sex is just drilling another hole, why bother since it would produce intolerable guilt which would end an excellent marriage?
I am still a bit confused by all of this. But I think I may have just figured it out. And to verify, I will bring it up again during tonight's pillow talk. That is, once I am through being, as a whole, distinctive.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Sunday, January 2, 2011
5 year old Wisdom
My husband and my 5 year old son are watching a music video on the Disney Channel. A sweet 16-er with long shiny hair and eyelashes flirts playfully with the camera as she sings about young love.
Dad: "She's pretty, isn't she?"
Son: "Do you think Mommy is pretty?"
Dad: "I think Mommy is beautiful."
Son: "I asked you that so you wouldn't forget."
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"Life is life. If you don't like your life, get a new one. Or just punch yourself in the face and die."
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My son falls asleep during Christmas Day mass. He wakes as I carry him out of the church.
Him: "Did I sleep through the whole thing?"
Me: "Yes."
Him: "Awesome! Now let's go to grandmom's."
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Trying to convince mom why vacationing in Disney is a dumb idea:
"Aw, c'mon! People walking around in costumes? That is so one-second-ago."
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My son overhears a radio spot about erectile dysfunction:
Him: "Mommy, what does "dysfunction" mean?
Me: "It means 'doesn't work'."
Him: (Pauses for a moment in thought) "Don't they know that you need to feed your reptile?
If you FEED your reptile, it will work just fine."
Me: "That's the most logical thing I've heard all day."
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Overheard conversation between my Daughter, Son and Father-In-Law ... my son is explaining something to his sister ... father-in-law interrupts:
FIL: He speak-a good.
D: Huh?
FIL: You brudda. He speak-a good English.
S: Everybody does. Except you.
-------------
Dad: "She's pretty, isn't she?"
Son: "Do you think Mommy is pretty?"
Dad: "I think Mommy is beautiful."
Son: "I asked you that so you wouldn't forget."
------------
"Life is life. If you don't like your life, get a new one. Or just punch yourself in the face and die."
------------
My son falls asleep during Christmas Day mass. He wakes as I carry him out of the church.
Him: "Did I sleep through the whole thing?"
Me: "Yes."
Him: "Awesome! Now let's go to grandmom's."
-------------
Trying to convince mom why vacationing in Disney is a dumb idea:
"Aw, c'mon! People walking around in costumes? That is so one-second-ago."
-------------
My son overhears a radio spot about erectile dysfunction:
Him: "Mommy, what does "dysfunction" mean?
Me: "It means 'doesn't work'."
Him: (Pauses for a moment in thought) "Don't they know that you need to feed your reptile?
If you FEED your reptile, it will work just fine."
Me: "That's the most logical thing I've heard all day."
-------------
Overheard conversation between my Daughter, Son and Father-In-Law ... my son is explaining something to his sister ... father-in-law interrupts:
FIL: He speak-a good.
D: Huh?
FIL: You brudda. He speak-a good English.
S: Everybody does. Except you.
-------------
Monday, December 13, 2010
Sperm. Easier to swallow on a sandwich.
Invited friends over for an impromptu gathering the other night. We spent the night sitting around the kitchen table eating and drinking, the men talking with the men and women talking with the women. While enjoying a nice salad, my female friend, who is Israeli, commented on how she and her family eat a lot of salad, but in the Israeli style, without the leafy greens. So we chat more about all things salad.
Me: "Ever put alfalfa sprouts in your salad?"
Her: "No, but I love them on sandwiches. Funny story. My 11 year old once saw me eating sprouts in my sandwich and informed me that they looked like sperm!"
Well, we had a laugh over that one, then took the conversation in a completely different direction.
Me: "Mmmm, sperm on a sandwich. I wonder if that would make it easier to swallow."
Her: (cracking up) "I doubt it!"
At this point the husbands are now getting a drift of our conversation. I think hearing the word "sperm" coming from the other side of the table put the brakes on their discussion.
Him1: "What are you saying? Sperm?"
Her: "Yes, we are saying that no matter how you disguise it, sperm is hard to swallow. Wouldn't you agree?"
We, on the female side of the table, are still smiling and find this amusing. The men do not. Awkward silence. A short clearing of the throat is all that one has to offer. A jerky body movement signaling discomfort from the other.
It was then that I realized how wives speaking about oral sex in mixed company could be so disabling to their husbands. To be honest, I find candid talk about the intensity and frequency of spousal flatulence more horrendous and embarrassing.
The topic quickly changed, as you may have probably guessed, and the night resumed with all its predictability. But it got me wondering why it is so difficult to just be loose, verbally, about sex with other couples and just have fun with it. I am finding that throughout my life, no matter how mature I have become, how worldly or educated, I have yet to discover any significant people in my life who I can speak freely with about sex.
There is always the boundary factor. Which is not to say boundaries are not important. I would find it a form of betrayal to reveal the intimate details of my marital sex life. I also find it repulsive that some men, and women, have no problem mouthing off in a locker room way specifics on what their mate does or does not do, or how well or badly they do it. Then you have the impression factor. Women who initiate sexual discussions are tagged horny, and likely promiscuous. Even between girlfriends, I am often skittish about sex chat since it evokes sudden awkwardness and shut down. I am not prying. I am not turning lesbo. I am simply tired of talking about kids and husbands and work and am dying to know if you own a dildo. And any other details about it you'd like to share.
Am I being too nosy or insensitive to another's privacy? Maybe. Turn me off like an annoying reality show by telling me to mind my own business, I won't take offense. I just wish that honest, funny sex chat between friends of both sexes didn't have to be so rare. Or so hard to swallow.
Me: "Ever put alfalfa sprouts in your salad?"
Her: "No, but I love them on sandwiches. Funny story. My 11 year old once saw me eating sprouts in my sandwich and informed me that they looked like sperm!"
Well, we had a laugh over that one, then took the conversation in a completely different direction.
Me: "Mmmm, sperm on a sandwich. I wonder if that would make it easier to swallow."
Her: (cracking up) "I doubt it!"
At this point the husbands are now getting a drift of our conversation. I think hearing the word "sperm" coming from the other side of the table put the brakes on their discussion.
Him1: "What are you saying? Sperm?"
Her: "Yes, we are saying that no matter how you disguise it, sperm is hard to swallow. Wouldn't you agree?"
We, on the female side of the table, are still smiling and find this amusing. The men do not. Awkward silence. A short clearing of the throat is all that one has to offer. A jerky body movement signaling discomfort from the other.
It was then that I realized how wives speaking about oral sex in mixed company could be so disabling to their husbands. To be honest, I find candid talk about the intensity and frequency of spousal flatulence more horrendous and embarrassing.
The topic quickly changed, as you may have probably guessed, and the night resumed with all its predictability. But it got me wondering why it is so difficult to just be loose, verbally, about sex with other couples and just have fun with it. I am finding that throughout my life, no matter how mature I have become, how worldly or educated, I have yet to discover any significant people in my life who I can speak freely with about sex.
There is always the boundary factor. Which is not to say boundaries are not important. I would find it a form of betrayal to reveal the intimate details of my marital sex life. I also find it repulsive that some men, and women, have no problem mouthing off in a locker room way specifics on what their mate does or does not do, or how well or badly they do it. Then you have the impression factor. Women who initiate sexual discussions are tagged horny, and likely promiscuous. Even between girlfriends, I am often skittish about sex chat since it evokes sudden awkwardness and shut down. I am not prying. I am not turning lesbo. I am simply tired of talking about kids and husbands and work and am dying to know if you own a dildo. And any other details about it you'd like to share.
Am I being too nosy or insensitive to another's privacy? Maybe. Turn me off like an annoying reality show by telling me to mind my own business, I won't take offense. I just wish that honest, funny sex chat between friends of both sexes didn't have to be so rare. Or so hard to swallow.
What the cuss am I doing?
My therapist said I needed to find other ways to express myself. Other outlets for my creativity. Blogging seems like a pretty lame choice but since I know next to nothing about it, who am I to say? I did google the word "blog" and learned it is short for "weblog" which is a nifty bit of trivia. Other than that, I am not sure where this will lead me or what will become of it.
I like the idea of writing about things that are on my mind that I normally wouldn't share with my friends or family. That encompasses a lot. I don't like the paranoia that comes along with the idea of sending out your personal, private, oftentimes bizarre thoughts, opinions, and reflections into cyberspace. I have this problem with being highly irrational and can't help but think of the hundreds of ways this exercise in creativity will come back to haunt me, blackmail me, murder me, and so on. I guess I need to get over that. Unless you have some warnings for me, which I would highly appreciate.
So anyway, here it goes. I have some ideas for beginning topics but not the time right now to elaborate. Is it ok to talk about sex and be raunchy about it, or is that in poor taste in the world of weblog? How is the best way to protect the innocent, so to say? Looks like I should do some preliminary research, but that just takes up time and I am the "winging it" type. Maybe that is why I become so dissatisfied with most projects that I begin and never seem to finish. Ah well, it feels pretty good so far. Let's just leave it at that.
I like the idea of writing about things that are on my mind that I normally wouldn't share with my friends or family. That encompasses a lot. I don't like the paranoia that comes along with the idea of sending out your personal, private, oftentimes bizarre thoughts, opinions, and reflections into cyberspace. I have this problem with being highly irrational and can't help but think of the hundreds of ways this exercise in creativity will come back to haunt me, blackmail me, murder me, and so on. I guess I need to get over that. Unless you have some warnings for me, which I would highly appreciate.
So anyway, here it goes. I have some ideas for beginning topics but not the time right now to elaborate. Is it ok to talk about sex and be raunchy about it, or is that in poor taste in the world of weblog? How is the best way to protect the innocent, so to say? Looks like I should do some preliminary research, but that just takes up time and I am the "winging it" type. Maybe that is why I become so dissatisfied with most projects that I begin and never seem to finish. Ah well, it feels pretty good so far. Let's just leave it at that.
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