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| Is there such a thing as pistachio porn? There should be. |
I'm not a huge television viewer, but I must watch something while eating pistachios. The two are synonymous, like those who only smoke cigarettes while drinking beer. I get into a zone. I don't even think about how many I'm popping or the rate at which the pile of discarded shells is becoming a mountain of casings. It's a whole hand-to-mouth fixation thing that puts me in a near trance-like state. Split, pop, crunch. Split, pop, crunch. Split, pop, crunch. Very rhythmic. Very satisfying.
Until I realize I've breezed through the easy (horny) nuts and are left with the clamped shut challengers. I've nearly chipped a few teeth fiercely chomping down on those bad boys. But, as stubborn as they can be, I usually find a way to gnash the hell out of them, even if my reward is a measly few bits of pistachio crumbs.
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| Trust me, this never works. |
Ultimately, I arrive at the very last pistachio, powdered with an excessive amount of what appears to be dust and salt from being the last of the 3,217 pistachios packed in that burlap sack 'o nuts that I got as a gift from Aunt Helen last Thanksgiving. Poor guy. The remnants of his already devoured cousin nuts are now a pulverized mass of pistachio paste lodged between my gums and inner lips. Unable to speak, I then spend what seems like an eternity giving my tongue a work-out as it dislodges this yummy reserve.
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| More pistachio porn. Now it's all starting to make sense. |
The pistachio-crazed euphoria gently comes to a close. I am no longer lulled by the sound of cracking shells and mashing molars. It's only then that I begin to wonder how on earth my digestive system will be able to process such an alarming amount of foodstuff practically inhaled in a matter of minutes. And later, when the tummy ache subsides and I finally fall asleep, the monkey returns in the form of what can only be described as a seed-eating-frenzy-induced nut-mare. Noooooo!
Pistachio revenge !!
See what happens when you mess around with nuts?
Oh, HDBW, you are such a nut...lover. :)
ReplyDeleteYes, I do love nuts. The nuttier, the better. They bring me joy, albeit almond. Although personally, sometimes I feel like a nut, sometimes I don't. And there lies the conflict. How do you decide? It's enough to drive you nuts.
ReplyDeleteThis is so LAME! haha Wasn't thrilled with this particular post, but overall I am glad that I wrote it. Since it did open my eyes to the strange yet erotic world of pistachio porn. I'll never look at pistachio paste the same way again!
You not only crack pistachio's but you CRACK ME UP! Too Funny and spot on! I also love sucking them...(add THAT to your porn list) sucking the salt off of the hard shell, rolling it around my tongue, trying to "get inside" and wham...eureka, you're in! You eat that tiny little morsel of goodness. You are so right...it IS pornographic! And... YES...those dreadful tiny bits that get stuck in your teeth! Nothing goes better with a bag of pistachio's than a foot long piece of dental floss. When you finally get that piece freed from your teeth, do you eat it or flick it across the room? Just asking.
ReplyDeletehmmm another possible post....what do you flick? I flick outter shells of popped popcorn. You know the hard yellow pieces that get stuck in your teeth. They aren't really edible alone. Once the popcorn is eaten and the tough outer shell is the only thing left, what do you do with it? Once freed, I get it in the curl of my tongue and blow! Off it goes into space, landing who knows where. Somewhere I'll be dusting or vacumning up sooner or later. But just the same I can't help myself, I like to see how far I can blow them! At the movies I'm sure it's landing in someones hair! hmmmmm sucking, blowing, licking, eating...and we are just talking about nuts and popcorn!
ReplyDeleteI loved the post. Shameless capitalist that I am, I can't help thinking that you could make a mint (yes, I'm trying to pun on all the pistachio mint recipes out there)by writing advertising for the Peter Van Ginkel (yes that is a real person) at the California Hi-Desert Pistachio Cooperative. ;)
ReplyDeleteDieter, thanks for the feedback! You are one wild woman who evidently enjoys all things oral! Good for you! Aren't tongues wonderful? You keep yours extra busy with all that flicking ... the only thing I flick are switches. They usually don't land in someone's hair, though. ;)
ReplyDeleteChristie, if my moonlighting as a live phone sex chat partner dries up, I will definitely look ol' Petey boy up. With a name like that, I'm sure he won't be too difficult to find.
HDBW you are incredible! How do you find the time to blog AND maintain your job as a live phone sex chat partner? Have you ever tried to combine the two?
ReplyDeleteBtw, that photo of the original HDBW is EXACTLY how I pictured him from your description. He is cute and quirky at the same time. What a great picture!
ReplyDeleteChristie, I do multi-task while sex chatting. Hours of watching youngsters swing and miss t-balls can get a bit humdrum, so I'm the mom on her cell who has conveniently distanced herself from the others. And as I yell "OH YEA!" and "Go, go GO!" into the phone, it's strategically in sync with action on the field. No one is the wiser.
ReplyDeleteCute and quirky ... the story of my life.